Every visit to the ophthalmologist involves putting eyedrops into the patient's eyes. Often, too much is used, and the excess runs down the patient's face. The assistant who wipes this up with a cloth is known as the eyeful toweler.

       What, exactly, is Homel? I have been seeing this new word, Homel, for at least the past 10 years, usually in the phrase,

       Merlin has just opened a new shop at Hogwarts. He sells britches and dishes to witches. He sells doorlocks and oarlocks to warlocks. He sells lizards and gizzards to wizards. And he's the source for sauces and saucers for sorcerers and sorceresses.

       Long before the first street lamps, overnight messengers hung lanterns from their saddles to see their way. This was known as the Saddle Light Guidance System.

       The Australia Monument consists of three walls made of thin translucent stone. If you strike these walls in certain spots with a rubber mallet you get three distinct songlike tones, duh, tell or muh. In other words, the walls sing "muh-tell-duh."

       There once was a Wizard who used a cat as an assistant for casting spells. It worked well, and was a lot cheaper than using a person. All he had to do was give the cat some sardines and a plate of milk. It became known as the apprentice's saucer.

       My wife went to one of those discount shoe stores looking to buy some cheap boots for about $30 to $40. Instead, she bought these fancy snakeskin boots that were reduced from $200 down to $60. After about a year all of the seams came apart, and she had to pay another $75 to get them repaired.
       Those boots cost more than she meant to spend and more than she spent to mend.

       Travel guide: The regional dish is ground lamb mixed with spices and honey and boiled in the local honey beer. They are called meadish sweetballs.

       I am writing a book about the most productive citizens of Middle Earth. It's called "Seven Hobbits are Highly Effective People."

       Johann Pachelbel was one of the most popular composers of the late 17th century, but he was never able to make a good living from music alone. In desperation, he turned to cattle rustling to supplement his income. He would steal cattle from farms all around southern Germany and hide them in what is now known as Pachelbel's Canyon.

       I once took an art class with Saddam. I noticed that he was painting a loaf of bread in fuchsia shading into orange. I told the teacher that was plain crazy. "No," replied the instructor, "Saddam's hue's sane."

       Cat Woman was hiking in the Himalaya when she found herself surrounded by Nepali outlaws. She wondered, what would Cat Man do?

       Battlestar Galactica was a 1970's sci-fi series (revived 2004-2009) in which robots called Cylons were relentlessly pursuing the last remnant humans. It is not widely known, but sheep are avid sci-fi fans. They have an immense corpus of stories, passed orally, including many analogous to the Battlestar Galactica series. The villains in these tales, of course, are the Cylons of the Lambs.

       In my county the largest toy store is owned by Russell Ford Allmyer. He is a ruthless businessman. All of his competitors complain bitterly about Toy Czar Russ.

       The largest publication in the vacuum cleaner industry is Vac Scene. For some reason many of its subscribers are doctors and public health officials.

       Bill is the world's worst wigmaker. Everyone complains when they have Bill's toupee.

       The tycoon divided his estate among so many relatives that each share was paltry. He suffered from legion heirs disease.

       Every evening at sundown the Mayans sacrificed a warrior or a young maiden. They believed that this was the only way to assure that the sun would return the following day. They lost a lot of good people through these sacrifices. What a shame! A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste.

       Fred, now living in Allentown PA, discovered that his old college buddy, Derf, was living in Rochester NY. They agreed to meet midway, at a highly pretentious healthfood restaurant named Food D'Elmira.
       As soon as they recognized each other Fred shouted, "Long time, no see," and they went inside. Derf noted a sour odor from the fish at the next table, and commented, "Long time, no sea." Derf observed that Fred needed a magnifying lens to read the menu, and asked about it. Fred replied, "Long time, no see," and then asked Derf if he had ever achieved his dream of qualifying for the U.S. biathlon team. Sadly, Derf answered, "Long time, no ski."
       Derf noticed that Fred was very nervous and taut, and that every time a woman passed, regardless of age or appearance, Fred stopped speaking and turned to look. Derf soon realized, "Long time, no she."

       The Nursery Rhyme animals put on a production of Les Miserables. Baa-Baa Black Sheep played Jean Valjean, and Fuzzy Wuzzy was Javert.

       Juan Alvarez is a Quechua living along the Napo River in Ecuador. He has no family, only a pet toucan. He is so poor he can afford only a handful of birdseed each week. So toucan lives as cheaply as Juan.

       After J. P. Getty died, Dietrich Kohl took over the petroleum empire for about 5 years. Compared to the dour Getty, Dietrich seemed positively jolly. Yes, oil king Kohl was a merry old soul.

       The other day I went to a formal square dance. I could hardly believe it. Everyone was dressed like royalty. Instead of the do-si-do they did the tuck-si-do.

       The L.A. Freeway carries more traffic than any other highway in the world. Truly it is the colossus of roads.

       The hull of my little schooner is so rotted that nobody will buy it. I'm afraid it has no resail value.

       Füdelmeir von Munchhausen spins the most amazing and creative tall tales, but he gets so nervous and taut you can always tell he is fabricating. I suppose you could call him a high-tension liar.

       My family has been making Iam's dogfood since 1830. I have been heading the company for the past few years, being the great-great-great-great-great-grandson of its founder. I'm Henry the eighth Iam.

       Speaking of Iam's dogfood, I recently hired an actor to do radio commercials for our dogfood products. Her first question was, "How is the name pronounced?" I told her, "It's easy. It rhymes with rhymes."

       Boy, I just read the dullest magazine ever. It was all about sleeping, and, let me tell you, within 3 minutes I was asleep myself. It was called U.S. Snooze and World Repose.

       Historians have just discovered an ugly incident in British history. It seems that when a group of wealthy Dutch settlers from South Africa stayed in Stratford upon Avon, the local taverns threw Shakespeare out on the street to make room for them, although the Dutch didn't care.
       In other words, bars barred Bard, bored Boers board.

       In French I suppose jackknife would be Jacques Couteau. I wonder if you can use one underwater.

       Ohio University now has a baby goat for a mascot. They call it the O. U. kid.

Annie: Did you know that sugar is the only English word starting with SU where the S is pronounced SH?
Manny: Sure.

       Baaarry Baaarnyaaard is the world's toughest ram. He can take a lot more than you can dish out. In fact, he's a regular mutton for punishment.

       The Crane and Heron Society was hosting a fancy dress ball (at the Stork Club, of course). They sent out engraved formal invitations, starting with "The honour of your presence is requested," and ending with "R.S.V.P., egrets only."

       Say, did you hear about the terrible accident down at the farm? I watched a seed spreader fall into a drain, followed by a blacksmith, and then a lawyer.
       So you saw a suer on a shoer on a sower in a sewer?
       Sure!

       I, Elsie, mate of Elmer, having covered myself completely with mud, will now jump over the moon.
       How, now-brown cow?

       I refuse to milk the cows. I disdain such low, demeaning work. I have udder contempt.

       The Farmer in the Dell has gotten some modern ideas. She wants to level the dell by moving earth from the surrounding hills to make a golf course. When she explained the plan, the contractor said, "Dat's nuts! Do ya know what it'd cost ta fill a dell f'ya?"

       In prehistoric times the huge carnivorous dinosaurs were always careening around the jungle at high speed, and, since they had rather small brains, constantly crashing into one another. In fact, the jungles were littered with tyrannosaurus wrecks.
       Fortunately, other dinosaurs would quickly dispose of the giant carcasses, since they were edible wrecks.

       The photo lab was very late developing Snow White's snapshots. Dejected, she sighed, "Some day my prints will come."

       Poor Mercurio Foodlemyer. Twenty miles into the All-Italy marathon he was well in the lead when his running shoes simply fell apart. He ran the last 6 miles barefoot, blistered and bleeding, and finished in 55th place. Truly, he suffered de agony of de feet.

       Jenifer and Egbert Taura (Eggsy to his friends) have started a new business buying and selling bulls. They have prospered because they made the process so easy. They are famous for their Buy A Bull store ease. Anyhow, Jenifer makes all the deals and Egbert handles the animals. In other words, Jenny says and Eggsy does. (Don't you just love it, cuz?)
       Oh, and Ronald Taura and I do the accounts. (He is more reliable; he's a safer Taura.) We really get excited when we see those soaring sales and profit figures. It's surprising what numbers do to Ron or me.

       The Japanese Sumo Federation wanted to get sumo wrestling recognized as an Olympic sport. To popularize it, they took several of their champions on a world tour. They went to numerous cities where the sumo fighters would take on the local strongmen. At one village in the Amazon rainforest, however, it was the local medicine man who came to fight, not with physical strength, but with magic spells. This worked for few minutes, until the sumo grappler got the witch doctor in such a tight bearhug that he could no longer speak his incantations.
       At this point, the village chief broke up the fight, imploring, "Please don't squeeze the shaman."

       Many runners extend the lives of their expensive running shoes by repairing worn spots on the soles with a product called Shoe Goo. Its inventor believed that once runners saw how well it worked on running shoes they would use it on all their footwear, and soon everyone would be using it. At least, that was the Shoe Goo guy's plan.

       The American Astronomical Association was recently sued by the Automobile Association of America for infringement of their AAA trademark. The astronomers were forced to change their name. It is now the Association of American Astronomers.

       Did you hear that Sean Penn's mom and her sisters have gone into the bakery business? They have a website where people can order pastries, which are delivered by truck within the hour. Now everyone is talking about the pie routes of Penn's aunts.

The Protest

       Did you know that the Yale chapter of Phi Beta Kappa is protesting a new honor society on campus? Yesterday they marched for 6 hours waving flags and trampling the flower beds. They were Phi Bates with pennants.
       Of course the University punished them and made them replant all the flowers as restitution. They were Phi Bates in pennance.

The Circus

       Did you hear about the big ruckus at the circus? The chimpanzees escaped and stole all the trousers from the men's dressing tent. They were primates in men's pants.

Urban Terror

       In 1999 the Kurds in northern Iraq struck back for the poison gas attacks by Saddam Hussein's armies. They sent saboteurs into Baghdad to blow up buildings. These were the spy raids of vengeance.

       A notorious criminal was hiding from the law in a monastery, garbed as an abbot. When one of his fellow gangsters came to visit, he found the fugitive holding mass. "Are you crazy?," he asked, "You can't give a blessing in this guise."

       A visitor to a movie set asked the Latin band leader if this was the actual stadium where the dance craze had originated. "No," he answered, "this is just a mock arena."

       Under the feudal system, if you are born a serf you will always be a serf, and if you are born a vassal you will always be a vassal. This is the feudal mire.

       A woman married a wealthy heir. Soon she realized that his profligate spending habits would bankrupt them. Heir today, gone tomorrow. So she laid down the law: one more expensive purchase and she would leave him. Without saying one word, her husband walked out and went straight to a luxury car auction. The wife, upon learning this, went straight to a divorce lawyer. Auction speaks louder than words.

       Augustus Igatur leaves his vast fortune to his older son, Sigmund. Alas, his younger son Friedrich's fiancee tricks a gullible Lakota woman into swearing that Friedrich is really Sigmund. The court awards the estate to Friedrich. Sigmund raves at the fiancee, "God, I am S. Igatur. You've a nice dumb Sioux, miss."

       Two beggars decide it is foolish to beg for a farthing at a time. Instead, they go to the king and beg for a huge sum, so that they can retire from beggary forever. The king has them summarily executed. Too late they realize, don't put all your begs in one ask-it.

       Hugh Grant wanted to be sure there would be fresh fruit at his big party. The caterer assured him, "There will be fruits and nuts, too, Hugh."

       A tourist in Hawaii wanted to know how much work was involved in making poi. The native cook told her, "We have taro root to pound, and nuts to hew."

       A diner wanted to know what kind of stew the Hungarian chef was preparing. She replied disdainfully, "You, you are ignorant, you. This is goulash, and not stew, you."

       The Foodlemyer Pen Company had a terrible setback. They had just developed a leather-covered pen for the high-end upscale market, but the truck carrying the first shipment collided with a truck loaded with Rogaine. The result was that all the pens sprouted hair.
       Figaro Foodlemyer, the company barber, was sure he had the perfect solution: just shave all of the pens. It proved to be slow, painstaking work, and all of those pens soon became discolored from the shaving cream. They gave the lot of them to Figaro to pay for all his labors. After all, a pen he shaved is a pen he earned.

       In Latvia a caustic liquid was dissolving the pipes. They found it came from slowly perspiring puppies. In other words, Lett dogs seeping lye.

To Tell the Truth

       Oh, those filthy cheating curs! Wake them up and my fists will teach them to speak the truth!
       No, comrade, let lying dogs sleep.

A New Broom

       The environmentalists were appalled to learn that the villagers had cut down all the newly planted saplings to use as brooms. After they discovered that the tiny trees could not be saved, they wanted to burn all of the brooms as an object lesson.
       Bad idea. Let dying logs sweep.

       Eustacio Foodlemyer, the famous Caribbean bartender, noticed how the wood of the casks flavors great wines, and decided to try the same thing with cocktails. The last time I visited his establishment he greeted me with, "Hickory daiquiri, doc?"

       There may be beauty in the eye of the beholder, but there are stingers in the hand of the bee-holder.

       When the Bolsheviks came to power in 1917 Russia seceded from the famous Triple Entente, leaving just a Double Entente. Its members were known as the Double Ententers.


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