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A PUNNY QUIZ
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Listen
      
What is everyone listening so carefully?
  [Answer]
Murder
      
What is the motto of Murder, Inc?
  [Answer]
Wyatt Earp
      
What did Wyatt Earp invent to make wagon wheels seem quieter?
  [Answer]
Parrot
(Contributed by Eric Rubin)
      
When his parrot became chief of a Scottish clan, how did
MacBeth break the news?
  [Answer]
Shrimp Boats
      
In what units do shrimp boats measure their catch?
  [Answer]
Restaurant
      
What kind of restaurant serves omelets after dark?
  [Answer]
The Horse's Mouth
      
What kind of story did the hippie jockey tell?
  [Answer]
Cruise
      
The Recreation Director on a small cruise ship wanted to stage Our Town.
She was told the actors were seasick, and they wanted more money.
What did she need?
  [Answer]
Horses
      
What do pampered thoroughbreds eat?
  [Answer]
Fish
      
What do you call deep ocean fish?
  [Answer]
Trail
      
What trail has fruit and poultry?
  [Answer]
Cyclops
      
What did the cyclops groom say to his cyclops bride?
  [Answer]
Cosmologist
      
What is the difference between a cosmologist and a cosmetologist?
  [Answer]
Piano
      
How do you say "the red piano" in German?
  [Answer]
Fat
      
What international organization is dedicated to helping fat people get fatter?
  [Answer]
Gloomy
      
What is the opposite of a Gloomy Gus?
  [Answer]
Washington
      
Why is Washington State twice as good as Australia?
  [Answer]
Astronomers
      
Among early astronomers, whose books contained the most misprints?
  [Answer]
Hair
      
What is the most popular hairstyle in Abu Dhabi?
  [Answer]
Paint
      
Why is it dangerous to smoke while you paint?
  [Answer]
Baseball
      
Which baseball official is entirely on the move?
  [Answer]
Louisiana
      
The state of Louisiana is divided into 64 parishes.
Which one of them has the most hotels?
  [Answer]
Linen
      
What did Ebenezer Scrooge say when he saw his linens hanging
on the clothesline covered in soot?
  [Answer]
Sting
      
What is the German term for a stinging rejoinder?
  [Answer]
Comedian
      
Why was the comedian arrested for vagrancy?
  [Answer]
Tan
      
What is tan and brown?
  [Answer]
Nimitz
      
What did Chester Nimitz say to Grace Murray Hopper when she became
the first woman admiral in US history?
  [Answer]
Annapolis
      
Use the word ANNAPOLIS in a sentence.
  [Answer]
Fleab
      
What do you call the people who live in Fleab?
  [Answer]
Guard
      
Who always keeps a watchful guard over the anthill?
  [Answer]
Midnight
      
What Rock 'n' Roll legend always had his show sometime around midnight?
  [Answer]
Orthodontist
      
What is the favorite window treatment among orthodontists?
  [Answer]
Raconteur
      
Why is it easy to poison a raconteur?
  [Answer]
Wealthy
      
What is it called when your father is wealthy?
  [Answer]
Lone Ranger
      
In which state does the Lone Ranger buy his jewelry?
  [Answer]
Resort
      
Which Latin American resort has a great ocean view, and employees
eager to wish you goodbye?
  [Answer]
Wine
      
What is the most outrageous Italian wine?
  [Answer]
Hens
      
What is a stratagem to get the hens to lay faster?
  [Answer]
Japan
      
Which structure in the mouth is specifically adapted for eating Japanese food?
  [Answer]
Gun
      
What is the best way to lubricate a gun?
  [Answer]
Mole
      
What is the newest design trend for molehills?
  [Answer]
Jewelry
      
What military tactic is a form of jewelry?
  [Answer]
Spray
      
What is the leading nasal spray for dogs?
  [Answer]
Turban
      
What do you say when a skinny Athenian hunts for a well-dressed
man in a turban?
  [Answer]
William
      
Where did William Tell take his trash?
  [Answer]
Police
      
What do the Canadian Police call their annual pie-eating contest?
  [Answer]
Puny
      
What is a puny Belgian insect?
  [Answer]
Ships
      
What grows on the outsides of ships and farm buildings?
  [Answer]
Santa
      
Which of Santa's helpers delivers the toys to Saigon?
  [Answer]
Cowboys
      
What pet does a cowboy recommend?
  [Answer]
Martial
      
What do you call morons who practice martial arts?
  [Answer]
Sexton
      
What advice do you give to a new sexton?
  [Answer]
Mid East
(Contributed by Suzanne Turrisi)
      
What would you call a merger between Israel and Syria?
  [Answer]
Gene Pool
      
What happens when you leave the gene pool?
  [Answer]
Cats
      
In the jungles of India, what are the 3 degrees of cat?
  [Answer]
Tight Shoes
      
Why did the man hate his tight shoes?
  [Answer]
Fish Jokes
      
What fish tells the cleverest jokes?
  [Answer]
Hot and Cold
      
What dish, served cold in Santiago, is still very hot?
  [Answer]
Fishermen
      
What is the motto of the New England Fishermen's Union?
  [Answer]
Prisoner
      
What did the prisoner say when his hanging was postponed?
  [Answer]
Ribs
      
Who are those people eating ribs and waiting for a haircut?
  [Answer]
Bureaucracy
      
What bureaucracy causes traffic accidents?
  [Answer]
Veggie
      
What vegetable is like charcoal?
  [Answer]
Oriental
      
What dietary supplement prevents orientals from becoming too Westernized?
  [Answer]
Pachy
      
What is the most common type of cosmetic surgery for pachyderms?
  [Answer]
Spice
      
What spice describes the tragedy of Gone With the Wind?
  [Answer]
Anchor
      
What does Superman say when he hoists anchor?
  [Answer]
Sailors
      
What do Chinese sailors eat?
  [Answer]
Swineherd
      
What do you call a swineherd philanthropist?
  [Answer]
Stone Slabs
      
What kind of mint is often made from big stone slabs?
  [Answer]
Commissioner
      
What do you call the Election Commissioner of Bulgaria?
  [Answer]
Natty
      
Who is a natty Arab ruler?
  [Answer]
Murder
      
How are murder mysteries measured?
  [Answer]
Egypt
      
What do you call an Egyptian osteopath?
  [Answer]
Bonaparte's Entertainment
      
What do you call the intersection where the exiled Napoleon goes to hear
the fish sing?
  [Answer]
Cookie
      
What kind of distant cookie describes the pleasure of driving a Volkswagen?
  [Answer]
Deer (Contributed by Philip Varughese)
      
What is the difference between a deer fleeing a poacher
and an undersized witch?
  [Answer]
Spain
      
Why are all the Iberian monarchs so homely?
  [Answer]
Flautist
      
What does a flautist use to weed a cucumber patch?
  [Answer]
Two Dogs
      
What part of a castle could have two dogs?
  [Answer]
Sheep
      
Where do they keep sheep in a castle?
  [Answer]
Intruder
      
What is a Swiss computer intruder?
  [Answer]
French
      
Which French woman's name sounds like some ears?
  [Answer]
BRX
      
What are BRX HICKS and BRXTN HKS?
  [Answer]
Kirk
      
What did Captain Kirk** say to the Enterprise when its engines
would not fire up after a collision?
** If you were born after 1960, Captain Picard.
If you were born after 1980, Captain Janeway.
If you were born after 1990, Captain Archer.
Click here for [Answer]
Underwater
      
What are the regulations controlling the design of submarines?
  [Answer]
CIA
      
Which branch of the CIA is concerned with drainage?
  [Answer]
Hyena
      
Why didn't the airline stewardess serve the hyena both dead rats?
  [Answer]
Jailbreak
      
What do you call a haughty prisoner escaping down a rope?
  [Answer]
Surgeons
      
What do you call two surgeons who defy logic?
  [Answer]
Max at Mt. McKinley
      
When everyone else hiked up Mt. McKinley, why did Max stay behind?
  [Answer]
Heron
      
Why did the heron eat salamanders in April or June, but not in May or July?
  [Answer]
Firefighters
      
Where do the firefighters' forensic detectives hold their annual convention?
  [Answer]
Can Do
      
What does the farm family do with their thousand acres of peas?
  [Answer]
The Guru's Tooth
      
What did the guru say when the dentist offered Novocaine?
  [Answer]
Odorless
      
What would you call odorless perfumes?
  [Answer]
Good Seasons
      
How did the septuplets and their parents avoid food poisoning
when the chef changed the spices in the recipe?
  [Answer]
King Neptune
      
Why is it so hard for King Neptune's choir to sing on key?
  [Answer]
Cowpunchers
      
Where do ranch hands record births and deaths among the herds,
and shop by mail?
  [Answer]
Ram Boat
      
How does a ram on a boat call his family on the ranch?
  [Answer]
Grape
      
What happens when you step on a sensitive grape?
  [Answer]
Horse Patrol
      
What is an on-duty police officer riding a preening dandyish horned horse?
  [Answer]
Downtown
      
Who flips flapjacks and sings "Downtown"?
  [Answer]
Mermer
      
What is mermermer?
  [Answer]
Dallas
      
What is the sliced raw vegetable dish served at the start
of a meal in Dallas?
  [Answer]
Hot Sauce
      
On what street in the Deep South do they make the hot sauce?
  [Answer]
Motto
      
What is the motto of the people who shovel and plow driveways in winter?
  [Answer]
LLLAMA
      
A one-L lama is a monk. A two-L llama is a pack animal.
What is a three-L lllama?
  [Answer]
Semper Fi
      
Semper Fidelis is the motto of what lizard?
  [Answer]
Hawaii
      
How do big burly Hawaiian men laugh?
  [Answer]
Monster
      
How does a mathematician tell a monster to wait its turn on line?
  [Answer]
Vichyssoise
      
What does a French mother ask her boy when the vichyssoise is ready?
  [Answer]
Single Cell
      
What single-celled organism used to be an organelle of a bacterium?
  [Answer]
Swedish
      
What Swedish surname indicates extremely small stature?
  [Answer]
Toes
      
What is the yucky stuff that accumulates between your toes?
  [Answer]
Skates
      
Which member of the ray and skate family of fishes practices Buddhism?
Which member alternately rises and sinks?
  [Answer]
Basic Pleasure
      
What is the basic pleasure of displaying your treasures above
your fireplace?
  [Answer]
Deliver
      
How do they deliver hot chocolate to a French restaurant?
  [Answer]
Bush
      
What grows on an anheuser bush?
  [Answer]
Difference
      
What is the difference between a girder, a fishhook, a bikini,
a hunter, and a rotisserie chef?
  [Answer]
Sunday
      
If Billy Sunday eats sundaes on Sunday, and Joe Friday eats fried eggs
on Friday, what does Tuesday Weld eat?
  [Answer]
Bank
      
Who is the bank officer who decides how much you can borrow?
  [Answer]
Reading Test
      
Quickly read the following list aloud: MacHenry, MacHugh, MacHines, MacHale,
MacHewitt.
  [Answer]
Food
«» What food do salamanders prefer?
  [Answer:   Salamander]
«» What food do wildebeests prefer?
  [Answer:   Wildebeest]
«» What food do anchorpersons prefer?
  [Answer:   Anchor]
«» What food do squirrels prefer?
  [Answer:   Squirrel]
«» What food is best eaten at 12 o'clock?
  [Answer:   12 O'Clock]
«» What food do kayakers prefer?
  [Answer:   Kayak]
«» What food do beer drinkers prefer?
  [Answer:   Beer]
«» What food do dolphins prefer?
  [Answer:   Dolphin]
In and Out
      
There were two young skunks named In and Out. Although they were twins,
they never played together. Whenever In was in Out was out, and
whenever Out was in In was out. So they did not know each other's
favorite in spots and hideouts. One day when Out was in and In was out
Papa Skunk told Out to go out and find her brother In, who was out, and
bring him in. So Out went out to get In in. It took her less than a minute.
      
How did she find him so fast?
  [Answer]
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